Spring Fever

I'm sooooooooo tired of winter.... What's this??? I know...many of you must be asking yourselves. You must think I'm off my rocker, with the heat and already we are deep into the month of May. What I'm saying is that ...sure in the physical/natural I'm ready for SUMMER, but in the spiritual...I still feel as though, I'm experiencing winter, and I have a really REALLY bad case of SPRING FEVER!!!! I know I keep saying this, and well maybe you all are tired of hearing it, and I'm sure by now that God is, but I am more than ready for this whole cancer thing to be a distant memory! I keep thinking and saying to myself...if I can just glide through these next few months, then we'll make it. Here as of late, it's as if even the underlying fear and knowledge that cancer is a part of our lives has become a part of the normal...what our lives once were before the diagnosis is gone, and then the life we experienced while getting over the shock ...well, now that's gone too, and what I'm left with.... I feel like I'm either drudging along or some days I'm on auto pilot, just going through the motions and anything I can do to NOT stop and feel or think. (Please forgive me...I know this post sounds very negative, but just hang with me for a moment if you will...) I know that neither of those are what God would have of me. I know he wants me to experience His love to the fullest and to walk in that knowledge. God help me, I'm tired! So, today I'm going back to square one ...AGAIN..hehehe! He loves me, and perfect love cast out all fear. So...if this is where we are, and honestly, I'm not 100% sure where that is...I know that what my eyes tell me is that there is still a tumor in my love's leg, (but we are still doing the protocols, we can't give up yet!! We might be just weeks from being finished with this thing forever!! And then there's that..."will we EVER REALLY be finished with this forever or is this going to be a black cloud hovering?"). Anyway, back to what I was about to say...if this is where we are, then it might be that I should quit looking for a quick escape, a quick fix, and maybe I should just stop and look for the lessons that are in the daily walk in this winter. There is much to be gleaned from this season. I am learning that it is so easy to 'talk the talk', what I'm LEARNING is to 'walk the walk'. I feel like a toddler on unsteady legs learning to take my first steps. I am a frustrated toddler wanting to run but these newly developing muscles are holding me back, they are not quite ready to run...yet, but that day will come!!! So, I'm going to slow down, take it one step at a time, and when I fall, instead of crawling because that is what I know will get me there faster, I'm going to get back up and learn from that failure, reach out for my Daddy's hand and ask Him to help me, hold my hands Lord and walk me through this.